Punderwoman

If you are friends with me on Facebook or follow me on Twitter, you know that I have an obsession with puns. This is what I love to do. And when you do what you love, everything flows perfectly. I usually think of puns when doing the most mundane things. You will see topics ranging from ovens (ha!), laundry, traffic, and even private parts. I will post a pun and then many of my friends add their own puns to the thread.  My friends make it funny, I just start the dialogue.

I am a word nerd from way back and my alter ego is Punderwoman.  Punderwoman thinks in puns and it can get annoying, especially in church e.g. "In the name of the fava..." 

Know this about Punderwoman:

• She can leap from tall buildings in a single vowel
• Her motto is "Be a phrase, be very a-phrase"
• She needs to rethink black tights at her age

Status Quotes

"Honk if you like geese."

"Spelling words correctly is very impotent."

"I'm trying to think of another word for 'thesaurus'."

"After eating more than a Sumo Wrestler on this wonderful 4th of July, I've re-written the lyrics to America the Beautiful: 'O Beautiful, for spacious thighs'..."

"My cup runneth over. And, sadly, I'm not referring to my bra size."

"Ground Control to Major Mom"

"I have an idea for a screenplay based on an overweight white guy in a thong who terrorizes women with his exotic dancing. The title is 'Jack the Stripper'."

"I wonder if I'll ever see a news headline that reads, 'Former Happy Days star arrested for an alleged Fonzi scheme'.."

"When flying to Hawaii, expect a few 'lei' overs."

"I am taking a vowel to stop making puns."

"I romaine skeptical of bagged lettuce."

"Just removed the 'Do Not Remove By Penalty of Law' tag from my pillow. Guess I'll be charged with aiding and abedding. However, I will not go 'down' without a pillow fight."

"I have trouble calling grown men by their nicknames. I'm talking to you Frog, Peanut, and T-Bone."

"It doesn't surprise me that the tropical depression fell apart. Poor thing."

"I wonder if they ever call the Police to a Sting concert?"

"I'm receiving correspondence from South America. In other words, I have a Brazilian fax."

"I just found a crumpled five dollar bill in the dryer. I'm now concerned about being charged for money laundering."

"I've developed an allergy to butter. Seriously worried I may develop the BlueBonnet Plague."

"I thought about naming my daughter Elizabeth Anya. But then I thought she might get called Liz Anya for short."

"I gave up cursing for Lent. So tonight I'll be watching a martial arts movie starring Jean Claude Van Darnit."

"The rind is a terrible thing to taste."

"If I were single, I would join the Mor-men church."

"After pointing out certain plant and weed varieties to my son, I realized the difficulty in saying, 'this is thistle'."

"I love bacon so much that my mouth waters when reading Shakespeare's Hamlet."

"I wonder what would happen if I washed my Tibetan coffee mug on the 'China' cycle in the dishwasher?"

"Trying to find the qualifications for an After Life Coach."

"I wish that I had Jesse's curls."

"I'm thinking of the irony of Kevin Bacon as a vegetarian."

"Thinks 'Tweezer' would be a good name for an 80's hair band."

"I want to win a chess tournament just so I can tell people that I'm a pawn star."

"I love the fact that I can see cows from my front porch. It is an udderly fascinating view."

"Cows have hooves instead of feet; in other words, they lactose."

"I keep seeing people that look like their cars. I'm talking to you follicularly challenged, squeaky clean, 50ish man driving a yellow VW bug."

"I'm thinking of opening a store that sells grizzly bear paraphernalia. I'm currently looking for space at the maul."

"I have added a new entry to a list of things that disturb my Zen-like state. Folding a tent and fitting everything, poles and stakes included, in to its original duffel bag."

"Two bones were in love. When it came type to pop the question, one bone said, 'will you marrow me?'".

"I'm stuck deciding if I'm going to order chicken for lunch. I guess I'm in henopause."

"If I manufactured T-shirts and I made a few prototypes, could I call them test tees?"

"I'm thinking of starting a core strengthening program at a Catholic Community Center. The class will be called Pontius Pilates."

"I've been working on names for cars: the Dodge Bullet, the Toyota Yoda, the Ford Gourd, and the Audi Partner."

"When our hamster Sugar died, I immediately went to the pet store to buy a new one. We named him 'Splenda', a Sugar substitute."

"I give full credit to Popeye for my love of spinach."

"When I rearrange the letters in a poem, I consider that a vowel movement."

"My carbon footprint needs a pedicure."

"I have a huge financial steak in the cattle industry."

"I saw a guy that looked like Elvis in his later years on the treadmill at the gym. He was singing, 'Love Me Slender'."

"Considering his fine motor skill prowess with the Blackberry, I nominate my husband as the Textiest Man Alive."

"My oilve oil is Extra Virgin. Or so it claims."

"Today, on behalf of all garbage collectors, I join them in celebrating Stinko de Mayo."

"...is gobbling up some turkey bacon."

"I'm thinking of starting an 80's cover band comprised of talented Muslim musicians. The name of my band will be Quran Quran."

"I have perfected the 'ball-up' technique of folding fitted sheets."

"I hear that most musicians live a high-flute'n lifestyle."

"I like stepping on acorns. Am I nuts?"

"An archaeological dig in my son's room revealed fossilized grits circa 2009. Pottery native to the indigenous 'Corelle' tribe."

"Is a chocolatarian."

"My cat walked across my keyboard and typed D-A-I. Dogs are idiots?"

"This is a subliminal message."

"Thinks it's neat the 'Fred' means peace in Norwegian. So, give Fred a chance."

"Olympic curling starts today. YES!"

"When I get around to it, I'm starting a Procrastinator's Anonymous support group."

"I became a fan. Well, not exactly a fan but maybe one, of indecision."

"I'm completely in whack."

"I have pent-up happiness and repressed joy."

"I am powerless over cookie dough."

"Instead of cleaning my floors, I'm just going to put on socks."

"Nouns that bother me: legume, bo weevil, and Uranus."

"I'm taking a Gallop Poll to see how many people know how to ride a horse."

"It would be nice if excessive thinking burned calories."

"After much pondering over boxes of Kleenex, I have finally decided on a modern geometric pattern. The florals just didn't feel right today."

"I'm finally comfortable typing LOL."

"I feel a little dirty, slightly embarrassed, and I use a disguise when I'm in the drive-thru at McDonald's."

".....buffering....."

"This is a cliche'."

"I will go to extraordinary measures to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being next to someone I know at a red light."

"E.T. text home."

"The stillness of the morning makes me feel like I have an exclusive interview with God."

"I'm going to start using the word 'canny' more often. Uncanny needs some competition."

"From the looks on their faces, I can tell that the folks behind me at the grocery checkout appreciate how I take the time to group similar items together."

"I'm looking in the mirror singing, "Wrinkle, Wrinkle, Little Scar."

"Listening to The Decemberists, in January."

"Just did a 10K -- 10 Krispy Kremes."

"I saw a guy at the grocery that looked EXACTLY like Elvis. He was singing, 'Are you clone-some tonight'."

"I will be typing in a British accent for the remainder of the day."

"I want to write a few jokes about sewing but I don't have enough material."

"I'm coining a phrase soon. However, I might change my mind."

"I've been working on a song about plastic surgery. The song is called '50 Ways to Cleave Your Blubber'."

"I'm evolving as a person but my right foot is still a monkey foot."

"Thank you, Spongebob for being such an excellent babysitter."

"There is a big sale on alphabet soup at the grocery. I'm definitely capitalizing on that one."

"I deserve an honorary doctorate at PMS University."

"I'm inventing a Barbie with PMS and calling her Midol."

"I want to communicate with my friends the old fashioned way -- email."

"Shopping for new windows is really a pane."

"Going out on a limb here, but I'm a tree hugger at heart."

"I'm not an art critic, but in my opinion, the large portrait hanging in my bank's lobby is overdrawn."

"I tend to overuse exclamation points!!!"

"Thinks this would make a good headline: 'Dermatologist suspected in a rash of crimes'."

"I'm having trouble throwing out boxes and boxes of 'Hoarders -- Buried Alive' DVD's."

"I want to write an expose' on the state of gynecology in America today but I don't want to stirrup anything."

"Take note of this sad story children: I started with the easy stuff, harmless they said. It was called Facebook. Now I'm doing lines of Twitter. Although I'm a hopeless case, this is me reaching out to you. You are welcome."

"Wonders if it is tough for bakery owners to keep employees -- I imagine there are a lot of turnovers."

"I'm becoming an advocate for Vampire's rights. Vampires of the world, I'm going to bat for you."

"I'm jumping on the frivolous lawsuit bandwagon and suing my bra for lack of support."

"I enjoy cutting the rug at 'jute' joints."

"New business concept: a tutoring service for up and coming urology students. For now, I'm calling it, 'Test Ease Tutoring'."

"Probably should go to church this afternoon (that was from my altar ego)."

Brenna Barzenick (C) 2011


Stay tuned....more to come....